I am not feeling great this morning, for many reasons, too many to speak of.
For now the MET live streaming of Das Rheingold and sleeping in on a Saturday morning is keeping my spirits up. The sopranos in the first scene are really incredible; they sound like shimmering birds, and they make it all sound so easy. I am also comforted by the new books that are surrounding me on my bed. I went on a bit of a rampage yesterday while purchasing some school books, meandering through the comparative literature and english sections. Now Walter Benjamin, Rainer Maria Rilke, and Fyodor Dostoevsky can sleep beside me and keep me a bit of company every morning and night.
I sent a text yesterday to a friend that came very spontaneously, but I want to remember it:
"Don't be sad if it wasn't the way you envisioned it in your head. I do that all the time, where the memory starts to become stronger than the reality, and can't live up to its own expectation. But one day that memory will match the reality -- with time, patience, and control. Or at least I hope that it will -- or else how would it be possible that they exist the way that they do?"
It seems like this applies to so many things in my life right now. Love, relationships with other people, ambition, hopes, future plans.
I will end this somewhat melancholic blog post with an excerpt a little bit more uplifting by Rilke . . .
We are not permitted to linger, even with what is most
intimate. From images that are full, the spirit
plunges on to others that suddenly must be filled;
there are no lakes till eternity. Here,
falling is best. To fall from the mastered emotion
into the guessed-at, and onward.